Poem

edited June 2015 in Creations
Something I thought of and wrote in about 30 mins so ... probably not the best thing. Also not sure if it is a poem or not, I think it is.

It's scary to jump
and it hurts to fall
but would you rather die on this cliff alone
or find peace on one of the ledges bellow

(this was what I though of originally and then I though of another part, it isn't as good as the first part but I still like it)

We met on this spiky ledge, where it hurts to stand ,
it could hurt more if we jump
but there could be a sponge bellow to break our fall.
I would like to jump and I would love to have you with me
but as it was, is and always will be
YOU decide what you wish to do.

ASG's version/rework/input

It's scary to jump
and it hurts to fall
but would you rather die on this cliff alone
or find potential peace on one of the ledges below
We met on this spiky peak
And understand what I am about to speak
it could hurt more if we go below
It could be softer, we don't know
There could be a sponge to break our fall
And I am willing to give it my all
I would like to jump and I would love to have you with me
but as it was, is and always will be
While I hope you join me, too ( thinking about removing too )
YOU decide what you wish to do

Final version

It's scary to jump
and it hurts to fall
but would you rather die on this cliff alone
or find potential peace on one of the ledges below
We met on this spiky peak
And understand what I am about to speak
it could hurt more if we go below
It could be softer, we don't know
There could be a cushion to break our fall
And I am willing to give it my all
I would like to jump and I would love to have you with me
but as it was, is and always will be
While I hope you join me
YOU decide what you wish to do
Your opinion
  1. What do you think4 votes
    1. Go jump off a real cliff
        0.00%
    2. meh
      25.00%
    3. good?
        0.00%
    4. I like it
      75.00%
russians hitting russians in russia because they are russin'

Comments

  • Je s'aime. I can taste those feels.
    "Yae, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil, 'cause I broughts a Minigun"
    ~The Bible of the Church of N
  • I liked the thought behind the second part but the first part was articulated much better.
    "Gas giants don't discriminate. They have gas for everyone." -ASG
  • Posts: 576
    I just couldn't think of the words or how to put them together , anyone have any advice that could make it sound better ?
    russians hitting russians in russia because they are russin'
  • I agree. The first part seemed to flow better than the second, but the idea was interesting.

    As for how to make it sound better, I think shorter lines, and have the last words sound more similar to each other in pairs near each other. They don't have to rhyme, though, but that usually works. The first two sentences in the first part do this well because of their length. For example:
    I went to a market for something to buy
    I found a price that I couldn't deny
    In comparison to without the flow of the last words or shorter lines
    At the market I was browsing for stuff
    And there was something cheap enough for me that looked good

    The format of flow tends to work best in my mind with the pattern of a, b, a, b or a, a, b, b which the letters representing the joining.

    In the case of yours, here's my attempt to make it smoother without changing it too much. Use or modify however seems fitting.

    It's scary to jump
    and it hurts to fall
    but would you rather die on this cliff alone
    or find potential peace on one of the ledges below
    We met on this spiky peak
    And understand what I am about to speak
    it could hurt more if we go below
    It could be softer, we don't know
    There could be a sponge to break our fall
    And I am willing to give it my all
    I would like to jump and I would love to have you with me
    but as it was, is and always will be
    While I hope you join me, too
    YOU decide what you wish to do
    How do you say no to someone who asks you to say no?
    - Random Question Number 289

    These Random Questions were not paid for by anybody.
  • edited June 2015 Posts: 576
    DAMN that sounds good , the only part that doesn't fit me is the 2 from the bottom . I understand it is there to provide the number of lines ( I can't remember what numbers are 2 4 , 10 ). I might just throw that line out if I can't think of a better one , or change it to sound better. But honestly the rest is 10 times better then I could ever make it alone.

    EDIT: maybe just throw out the "too"

    EDIT 2: sent this to onix and he said we could replace sponge with pillow , cushion, cloud- probably the cushion would be best , what do you think ?
    russians hitting russians in russia because they are russin'
  • edited June 2015 Posts: 576
    .
    russians hitting russians in russia because they are russin'
  • I agree. I think removing the "too" and changing to cushion would work better. I kept sponge as that was your original wording, but that does make more sense.
    How do you say no to someone who asks you to say no?
    - Random Question Number 289

    These Random Questions were not paid for by anybody.
Sign In or Register to comment.