Another poem

edited June 2015 in Creations
Dunno why but I got another one

The night is dark and full of terror
You are the one that guides this error
Sometimes I fly too close
get burned, feel no remorse
for I would rather die of heat
than die of the coldness

I think the last line could do some work , but I can't think of anything ATM. Thoughts ?... Also no poll this time

With Mokushi's input we get this

The night is dark and full of terror
You are the one that guides this error
Sometimes I fly too close
get burned, feel no remorse
for I would rather die of heat
than freeze all alone

ASG's version

The night is dark and full of terror
You are the one that guides this error
Sometimes I fly too close
I get burned, but feel no remorse
for I would rather die of heat
than be alone with cold feet

Final version

The night is dark and full of terror
You are the star that guides this error
Sometimes I fly too close
I get burned, but feel no remorse
for I would rather die of heat
than be alone with cold feet
russians hitting russians in russia because they are russin'

Comments

  • Posts: 0
    Maybe the last line could be "Than freeze all alone" or something along those lines?

    Also:
    "You are the one that guides this error"
    This line doesn't really make sense. What error? Is there a deeper meaning here or is it a forced rhyme?

    Other than that, it's good. I like the imagery.
  • edited June 2015 Posts: 576
    Error as in a human/creature that is not as it was meant to be ... a monster you could say ( the night is full of monsters/terror)

    Also nice idea on that last line
    russians hitting russians in russia because they are russin'
  • Posts: 0
    Oh, so the "error" is the narrator? That makes sense.
  • Posts: 576
    Yup, I would like of the 2 last lines rhymed but if it doesn't make sense it is best to leave it alone
    russians hitting russians in russia because they are russin'
  • Posts: 0
    I've never felt that rhyming in poetry is a necessity. If you want it to rhyme it'd require a lot of change, and my brain isn't working well enough to help you with that right now I'm afraid.
  • To me, the second line doesn't seem related to the other parts very strongly, and the the fourth line doesn't seem to be clear. Something like this is what I am imagining, correct me if I misread it. I also added another idea for a last line.

    The night is dark and full of terror
    You are the one that guides this error
    Sometimes I fly too close
    I get burned, but feel no remorse
    for I would rather die of heat
    than be alone with cold feet

    On rhyming, if it can be done, flow of words for any given line works best, and it can depend on how you speak it. Rhyming tends to make it work, but it isn't usually optimal and it is never required.

    One thing I wonder in this poem is why is it that the one said to be guiding the error is a 'you'. What is it speaking against?
    How do you say no to someone who asks you to say no?
    - Random Question Number 289

    These Random Questions were not paid for by anybody.
  • Posts: 576
    Well , another person would be the simplest answer. Originally I was thinking about writing "you are the star that guides this error"- because many people say to the one they love they are their star in the sky , and if it is a star when you go too close you would get burned ( I know , we can't get to close and all that , reference to Daedalus , if that is the guy who flew to close to the sun and got his wax/feather wings melted )
    russians hitting russians in russia because they are russin'
  • Daedalus was the artisan who made the wax wings for his son, Icarus
    ➈➈➈➈➈➈➈➈➈➈➈➈➈➈➈➈➈➈➈➈➈➈➈➈➈➈➈➈➈➈➈➈➈➈➈➈➈➈➈
    image
    [7:45 pm] Kerlc: Being a cuck is great'
    Futanari Loli Nazi Succubus Squad ~☆「Sieg Heil」 Your Heart Into Ecstasy!!
    ふたなり・ロリ・ナチス・サキュバス・スクアッド~☆あなたの心をエクスタシーへ「ジークハイル」しよ!
  • On the person and sun reference, I see. That's what I was thinking. I also knew of Icarus, but didn't know of Daedalus.
    How do you say no to someone who asks you to say no?
    - Random Question Number 289

    These Random Questions were not paid for by anybody.
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